My lighter is a total slut. I swear. Anytime I'm hanging out with people every single person asks me for a lighter at least six times. My lighter gets with everybody! It doesn't care who or when. All it wants is to be used. Sooner or later it passes out in my pocket from its little venture around the town for a power nap before another round of flicking. Sometimes, my lighter even goes home with somebody and I never see it again.
I've gone through so many lighters and all of them were sluts. I wonder if I'll ever find a nice lighter that wants to settle down with me...
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
The Fun Room
The "fun room"... the room everyone wants to be invited to. The room at every family get together that people escape to. Everyone knows about the fun room. Some have never been included, some are too old to give a shit about it anymore.
You hang out, talk about things that interest you, and laugh. It's good times. It makes family get togethers enjoyable. But sooner or later you have to leave because no matter how much you've held it in, inevitably, you have to leave to go to the bathroom. And you always figure, "Hey, I'll grab a beer on the way back!" But nearly every time, someone stops you to talk about something pointless. Kids. Weather. Whatever. Something you don't give a shit about. You stand there hoping to Jesus that someone will come rescue you. But they don't. Because they're doing the same exact thing you did twenty minutes ago. They're holding it so they don't have to go through the room full of drowsy old people and moms.
You hang out, talk about things that interest you, and laugh. It's good times. It makes family get togethers enjoyable. But sooner or later you have to leave because no matter how much you've held it in, inevitably, you have to leave to go to the bathroom. And you always figure, "Hey, I'll grab a beer on the way back!" But nearly every time, someone stops you to talk about something pointless. Kids. Weather. Whatever. Something you don't give a shit about. You stand there hoping to Jesus that someone will come rescue you. But they don't. Because they're doing the same exact thing you did twenty minutes ago. They're holding it so they don't have to go through the room full of drowsy old people and moms.
Things That Are Really Gross
1) bruises on bananas
2) little kids
3) kiwi hair
4) the food that clogs up the kitchen sink
5) rotten stuff in the fridge
6) nursing homes
7) the Saw movies
8) meth addicts
9) long nails (toe or finger)
10) gum under tables
11) bar bathrooms
12) ashtrays
13) paper towel dispensers right above a full trashcan
14) the rag the busboy gets to clean off your table
15) Waffle House waitresses
16) caged animals
17) ribbon candy
18) birds
19) monkeys
20) turkeys in semi trucks
2) little kids
3) kiwi hair
4) the food that clogs up the kitchen sink
5) rotten stuff in the fridge
6) nursing homes
7) the Saw movies
8) meth addicts
9) long nails (toe or finger)
10) gum under tables
11) bar bathrooms
12) ashtrays
13) paper towel dispensers right above a full trashcan
14) the rag the busboy gets to clean off your table
15) Waffle House waitresses
16) caged animals
17) ribbon candy
18) birds
19) monkeys
20) turkeys in semi trucks
You Know You Have Too Many Pets When
1) you find poop in the floor and it doesn't bother you that much, really
2) there are paw prints on all the windows and doors
3) you don't even lint roll your clothes anymore
4) you avoid buying black clothes because of the "hair issue"
5) you buy more than one bag of pet food in a month
6) pet food is figured into the monthly budget
7) you cuddle with your animals more than the person you're with
8) you do the baby voice to your animals when company is over
9) you alternate the background on your cellphone between animals to be fair
10) there are more animals than rooms in your home
11) a 20 lb bag of cat litter just doesn't do it in a month
12) you empty the litter box into the toilet and it won't even attempt to flush
13) you allow your pets to drink from your glass and it doesn't bother you
14) one more pet sounds like a good idea
15) your friends don't want to come over anymore
16) you smell your clothes before wearing them just in case
17) underwear and socks with holes are still wearable
18) feeding them takes more than fifteen minutes out of your day
19) friends and family have no idea what their names are
20) shit they do doesn't distract you from watching TV
2) there are paw prints on all the windows and doors
3) you don't even lint roll your clothes anymore
4) you avoid buying black clothes because of the "hair issue"
5) you buy more than one bag of pet food in a month
6) pet food is figured into the monthly budget
7) you cuddle with your animals more than the person you're with
8) you do the baby voice to your animals when company is over
9) you alternate the background on your cellphone between animals to be fair
10) there are more animals than rooms in your home
11) a 20 lb bag of cat litter just doesn't do it in a month
12) you empty the litter box into the toilet and it won't even attempt to flush
13) you allow your pets to drink from your glass and it doesn't bother you
14) one more pet sounds like a good idea
15) your friends don't want to come over anymore
16) you smell your clothes before wearing them just in case
17) underwear and socks with holes are still wearable
18) feeding them takes more than fifteen minutes out of your day
19) friends and family have no idea what their names are
20) shit they do doesn't distract you from watching TV
You Know You're An Adult When
1) you have a guilt hangover from drinking
2) a fever makes you feel like you're dying
3) music on the radio blows really hard
4) Youtube videos start to annoy you
5) you start to hate cell phones
6) you have a mortgage instead of rent
7) you use "we" instead of "I" for everything
8) paying your bills on time excites you
9) you buy weed off a high schooler
10) you have to buy your own lawnmower
11) you take pictures of food you made and post it online
12) every Facebook status has something to do with kids
13) parties just aren't as tantalizing as going to bed early
14) Lady Gaga starts to piss you off and you don't even know why
15) your doctor is younger than you are
16) you don't throw things away with your name on them anymore
17) nobody invites you anywhere
18) the only milestone left is having a kid that doesn't turn out dumb as hell
19) you still own CDs and books and think iPhones and Kindles are bullshit
20) you make lists before going to the grocery store
2) a fever makes you feel like you're dying
3) music on the radio blows really hard
4) Youtube videos start to annoy you
5) you start to hate cell phones
6) you have a mortgage instead of rent
7) you use "we" instead of "I" for everything
8) paying your bills on time excites you
9) you buy weed off a high schooler
10) you have to buy your own lawnmower
11) you take pictures of food you made and post it online
12) every Facebook status has something to do with kids
13) parties just aren't as tantalizing as going to bed early
14) Lady Gaga starts to piss you off and you don't even know why
15) your doctor is younger than you are
16) you don't throw things away with your name on them anymore
17) nobody invites you anywhere
18) the only milestone left is having a kid that doesn't turn out dumb as hell
19) you still own CDs and books and think iPhones and Kindles are bullshit
20) you make lists before going to the grocery store
Welfare Kids
You know 'em. You see 'em everyday. Usually in/around Walmart.
20 signs of a Welfare kid:
1) Eternal Koolaide ring around the mouth that doesn't wash off
2) Kid seen using tongue to reach mouth and lick off boogers
3) More than one car-seat in the back of a car
4) The hard cash buys the vodka and the EBT buys the juices for said vodka
5) Kid knows how to use one of the following things: lighter, cigarette, car windows for the purpose of smoking said cigarettes
6) Kid shits its diapers until its a million
7) Cavities found in baby teeth
8) Kid tackles a baby
9) Cart more full of kids than groceries
10) Cart more full of beer than baby food
11) Mother pushing cart at grocery store, husband doing meth in parking lot
12) Diabetes
13) One or both parents wearing one of the following: wolf/moon combination on T-shirt, Tweety Bird on T-shirt, Zeppelin on T-shirt
14) Mom says, "don't it."
15) Dad says, "man," after every sentence.
16) One or both parents are in High School
17) Kid breaks things for no reason
18) Kid looks exactly like its siblings and they aren't twins, not even a little bit
19) Red hair
20) Cheeto colored fingers, allllll the time
The End.
Love,
Kimmy
20 signs of a Welfare kid:
1) Eternal Koolaide ring around the mouth that doesn't wash off
2) Kid seen using tongue to reach mouth and lick off boogers
3) More than one car-seat in the back of a car
4) The hard cash buys the vodka and the EBT buys the juices for said vodka
5) Kid knows how to use one of the following things: lighter, cigarette, car windows for the purpose of smoking said cigarettes
6) Kid shits its diapers until its a million
7) Cavities found in baby teeth
8) Kid tackles a baby
9) Cart more full of kids than groceries
10) Cart more full of beer than baby food
11) Mother pushing cart at grocery store, husband doing meth in parking lot
12) Diabetes
13) One or both parents wearing one of the following: wolf/moon combination on T-shirt, Tweety Bird on T-shirt, Zeppelin on T-shirt
14) Mom says, "don't it."
15) Dad says, "man," after every sentence.
16) One or both parents are in High School
17) Kid breaks things for no reason
18) Kid looks exactly like its siblings and they aren't twins, not even a little bit
19) Red hair
20) Cheeto colored fingers, allllll the time
The End.
Love,
Kimmy
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